A little girl’s grandfather had a long beard, but one morning he shaved it off. When he came down to breakfast, the little girl cried, “Grandpa! Whose head have you got on?”.
The old lady was delighted with the gift the boy and brought her. “I’ll go round and see your mother tomorrow,” she said, “And I’ll thank for this lovely pie.” “Um, if you don’t mind,” the boy said nervously, “could you thank her for two pies?”
A man went to the police office wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. “You will get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant. “No, no, no.” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years.”
There was a meeting with a large number of people. At first the speaker was very interesting, but as time went on, he became very boring. Finally when he was through, there was only one man sitting in the large room. The speaker walked up to the man and said, “Thank you for hearing me out when all the others left the room.” “Oh! Don’t mention it!” replied the man, “I cannot leave because I am the next speaker.
A police stopped a motorist who was speeding on the street. “But officer,” the man said, “I can explain.” ”Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to put you in jail until the chief gets back.” ”But ,officer, I ….” ”I said to keep quiet! You are going to jail!” A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “You are lucky because the chief is at his daughter’s wedding.
A thief with a long record was brought before the judge. Judge: Have you ever stolen things? Thief: Oh, now and then. Judge: And where have you stolen these things? Thief: Oh, here and there. Judge: Right. Lock him up, officer. Thief: Hey, when do I get out jail? Judge: Oh, sooner or later.
A teacher said to her class: ”Who was the first man?” “George Washington,” a little boy shouted promptly. ”How do you make out that George Washington was the first man?” asked the teacher, smiling indulgently. ”Because, “ said the little boy, “he was first in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his countrymen.” But at this point a larger boy held up his hand.
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, “I am Napoleon!” Another one said, “How do you know?” The first inmate said, “God told me!” Just then, a voice from another room shouted, “I did not!”
Bob: My car doesn’t have a speedometer. Rob: Then how do you know how fast you’re going? Bob: Well, when I’m driving at 15 miles an hour, the fenders rattle; at 25 miles an hour, the windows rattle; and at 30, the motor starts knocking-and that’s as fast as it’ll go.
The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours. then he started again, and said he:“Let me ask the evolutionist a question — if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?” “I’ll venture an answer, ” said an old lady. “We have worn them off sitting here so long.”.